


What's the 'D' Stand For?

by TipsyTippi



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: But staying true to the game, Canon Divergence - A little, Clouis, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, I changed events and dialogue, Probably NSFW down the line, Slow Burn, Working through shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-01-31 12:59:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18591748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TipsyTippi/pseuds/TipsyTippi
Summary: Relationships in the world's end are complicated, familial and romantic. Clementine has spent years learning what it means to be a family, to be a protector, and to be a survivor. Clem still has more lessons to learn and knowledge to pass on, but when does life ever go as planned?Rewrites starting in the middle of episode 2 of The Final Season.





	1. My Protector

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping to write each chapter without any cliffhangers, each its own self-contained section of Clementine's story. I'm just seeing where my motivation takes me. We'll see. Please Enjoy!!

When Clementine was eight years old her father gave her a baseball hat.

Her father, who no longer had a face in her memory. Any time she tried to conjure up his smile, his laugh, or even the way he would carry her to bed at night when she fell asleep on the couch seemed washed out by a stern, bearded face, a deep gravelly voice, and a gun aimed ahead in her defense; no more feelings of security when thinking of her small white house and loving parents, but recalling how safe she felt next to a killer at the end of the world. She couldn't remember her dad anymore. But she did remember the day her dad gave her that hat. 

She had sat in her tree house, walkie-talkie gripped tight in her hands, "Echo to Charlie, Echo to Charlie. You're late for our Roundy-view. Is the package secure? Over."

"This is Charlie to Echo. The package is secure. We are underway. Its a good haul this time, ma'am. Double chocolate chip. Over."

"Roger that. You did good, soldier. Expect a parade when you reach headquarters, there are many hungry citizens who will thank you for your service," she said, smiling at her stuffed plushy citizens all gathered around her; cheering, smiling faces in her mind's eye.

There was a small knock on the entry to headquarters before her dad crawled into the tiny space with a small plate of cookies in one hand, "We have to leave soon, kiddo. You going to be good for Sandra while mom and I are away?"

"Yes, dad," Clementine huffed, "you don't need to keep asking."

"Okay, okay, I get it. You're all grown up now. Can take care of yourself." 

Clementine has had many fantasies about those final moments with her dad. That she hugged him tight, told him she loved him, maybe even convinced him to stay and skip their trip to Savannah entirely and spend their last few days together as a family. They could have died in those first few days that the world ended and she wouldn't have cared because her family would have been with her. 

That's not entirely true.

She would have wanted to live. Would have chosen any path that led to survival. Because down the road, there were people worth living for that depended on her. 

But it was nice to dream sometimes about having final moments and final goodbyes. No regrets.

The memory gets fuzzier as the years go on. She doesn't remember every word she said to her father that day anymore like she used to. Maybe she was Charlie and her dad Echo. Maybe the cookies were double fudge instead of double chocolate chip. Maybe she didn't cherish those last few moments like she should have. Maybe they would have been more committed to memory if she had. She'd remember her dad's face. She doesn't, but she still remembers being given that hat.

"Here, you hang onto it for me," her dad had said, "its yours now."

"Really? Its mine?"

"Yeah, kiddo. Its yours. Time to pass on the mantle."

"Mantle?"

A chuckle, "Time for your old man to hand it down to you."

"Its weird seeing your head without it."

"Well, yeah, it feels weird, too. You know, your pap-pap gave me this hat when I went to college."

Clementine's eyes widened, "Wow, that was forever ago."

"Okay, well, it wasn't that long ago," he pouted.

The memory is fuzzy. Did she thank him? Did she hug him? Did he say what the hat meant? Yes, she's sure he said something.

He was climbing down the ladder, to meet with her mother and leave her forever.

"Hey, dad! What does the 'D' on the hat mean?"

"Sorry, kiddo, your mom has the car running. How about I tell you when we get back, I'll tell you about why your pap-pap had that hat and why he gave it to me."

She'd waved goodbye. The moment didn't feel heavy. It didn't feel mournful. Its the part she remembers the least, really. But she remembers using her walkie to tell Sandra to come play with her. She heard choking sounds. Glass shattering. Static. 

When Clementine was eight years old a man named Lee walked into her life and took on the mantle of protector. 

* * *

Clementine wrung her hands together, thumbs passing over knuckles again and again and again until her skin turned red and started to sting. The room was getting dark as the sun set, the candle only illuminating the room just enough to make out AJ's face as he slept with his face buried in the pillow and a hand over the still-fresh gunshot wound in his stomach. It made something in her own stomach churn until she thought she'd be sick.

God, she'd screwed up. She should have done it all differently. They should have hid. They should have ran. They should have done anything that didn't lead to a six year old getting hit in the abdomen with fucking buckshot. 

Some protector she turned out to be.

Clementine leaned back against the side of AJ's bed and brought her legs up to her chest, hugging them tight and pressing her face into her knees. She couldn't cry. Lee didn't cry. Not once. That was what being strong meant, pretending you knew the answers and what to do next even if you really didn't. She had to be strong. Be strong. Be strong. Be strong, dammit. Be strong! Fucking do better! 

Clementine kicked into the side of the dresser, the items on top wobbling for a moment before stabilizing again. Clementine pulled in a sharp breath and held it, only releasing a sigh of relief when she saw AJ continue to sleep soundly. She clenched her fists. She grit her teeth. She fought back the heat behind her eyes. Stop, think, breathe. Don't let anger take over. She least she could do is live by her own damn lessons.

She clenched her fists. She grit her teeth. She breathed a little too harshly. Lee would have been better at this. He would have stayed calm and known what to do. He'd have protected AJ. 

Would he be proud of her now, like this? 

She clenched her fists. She grit her teeth. She breathed heavy, frantic breaths. She isn't Lee. And for better or worse, she and AJ are together. They are surviving. He deserved more, but what they had was better than becoming a meal for a ravenous walker. But he still deserved better.

She clenched her fists. 

* * *

Clementine grit her teeth. She held the pistol, which still felt far too big and heavy in her hands, and practiced her aim as the others in her group gathered supplies from the Savannah train station and prepared for the trek through the city. She aimed at the signal lights along the tracks. 'Bang!' she mumbled under her breath. 

"You all right, Sweet Pea?" 

Clementine smiled up at the tall, familiar figure that came to stand beside her, watching as she aimed into the distance. "You remember what I taught you?" Lee said.

Clementine nodded, "Yes, Lee, I remember."

"Good. Hopefully you won't need to use that, but its good to know just in case, right?"

"Right." She wouldn't need to use it. She was safe with Lee.

Lee tugged her hat off of her head for a moment to fondly ruffle her hair, eyes soft and face relaxed the way it only seemed to be when it was just the two of them. It made a warmth spread through her chest. It didn't matter how wobbly her knees became, how much she wanted to hide behind him when the monsters came, as long as Lee was with her she knew everything would turn out fine.

Lee situated her hat back into her head before gently taking the pistol from her hands and setting it safely in his waistband. 

Clementine brought her fingers up to the brim of her hat and traced the fabric all the way around before raising her fingers up to the embroidered 'D' on the front of the cap. "Hey, Lee?" Clementine called softly.

"What is it, Clem?" and there was that fond look again.

"I think my mom and dad are going to like you when they meet you."

Lee's expression seemed to falter and harden before he forced a smile, "Is that so?"

"Yeah. You took care of me and protecting me and brought me all the way to Savannah. I think they'll be really thankful." 

"I hope so, Clem," Lee's expression seemed to fall, but that only briefly registered with Clementine before her thoughts were moving onward.

"Lee?"

"Yes, Sweet Pea?"

"Are you my friend?"

Lee pinched his eyebrows together, eyes growing wide, "Of course I am. I'll always be your friend, Clementine. Do you think we're friends?"

"I'm not sure," Clementine said, wondering, "You take care of me. Like my parents did. And you always tell me we're going to stick together. But you're not my dad. And we're not friends like my friends at school. So..."

"You mean, what would you call me?"

"Yeah."

Lee sighed, hesitating for a few moments as his eyes turned distant and he stared into the horizon seeing something that Clementine couldn't. A minute passed before he met her eyes again and bent down onto a knee to meet her gaze straight on. "Clementine, I think the world has changed a lot since you and I met. Everyone has lost someone."

"Like Katjaa and Duck?"

"Yes, Clem. Like Katjaa and Duck. In a world like this survival is most important. And sometimes that means... becoming family with the people you're lucky enough to have with you. That bond can be stronger than friends. Maybe even stronger than family in a lot of ways. The people you can trust and depend on to stand beside you is more important than anything else. Its how we'll survive. Whether we're with Kenny and Christa and Omid, or just the two of us. I'll always have your back. And I'll protect you better than I protected my own family."

"You'll protect me?" Clementine's chest hurt in a way she couldn't quite understand, but she hung onto Lee's every word like he would make it easier to breathe.

"I'll protect you. I'll always be your protector. Just like I know you'll be mine," Lee smiled.

Clementine threw her arms around his neck before she had any awareness that she was moving. She couldn't fully understand why her heart hammered in her chest or why tears were pooling in her eyes, but she just buried her nose in Lee's neck and breathed deep. 

"I love you, Lee."

"I love you too, Sweet Pea."

* * *

"I love you, AJ," Clementine whispered under her breath, pulling the comforter over the sleeping boy. She gave his hand a firm squeeze before turning to the candle, ready to blow it out for the night.

She started at the quiet knock at the door. Damn, not a lot got the jump on her these days. She must have been deeper into her head than she realized. She stood and wiped her eyes to make sure no remaining moisture remained there before calling a hushed 'come in.'

Violet quietly opened the door, clearly being mindful of the sleeping child in the bed as she stepped across the threshold. "Sorry if you were about to get some sleep," she said, "but Louis and I wanted to talk to you real quick before we all went to bed."

"Its no problem," said Clementine, "I probably wouldn't be getting a lot of sleep anyway." She turned worried eyes on AJ who had hardly budged since being settled into the bed. 

"No, I figured you wouldn't," Violet said, tone filled with empathy. She crossed her arms and nodded towards AJ, "How's he doing?"

"He's able to sleep, so I'm just going to take that as a good sign. He's been sleeping like this for hours."

"He'll be more aware in a few days. I've seen stomach wounds before, rest is what helps most right now."

Clementine sighed, crossing her own arms protectively around herself and hunching her shoulders the smallest bit. Some times were a bit harder than others to keep the tough front up, particularly in front of people like Violet who seemed to have a way of seeing through the walls she put up and making Clementine feel understood regardless of what she saw. Clementine breathed a deep sigh, "To the office?"

"Yeah, Louis is already waiting up there."

Clementine leaves the candle in the room in case AJ wakes up disoriented. She trusts him enough that he won't panic upon finding himself alone, but she hates the idea of him waking in the quiet dark by himself. So she leaves the candle and follows closely behind Violet who knows her way through the school well enough to navigate the dark. Once or twice Clementine grips onto Violet's sleeve with a nervous stutter of her breath, but Violet doesn't comment on it. 

They make their way through the courtyard which is thankfully lit well enough by the moon to calm Clementine's frazzled nerves before moving into the main building and up the staircase towards the office. The door is cracked and candlelight can be seen spilling into the hallway. 

When they enter with Violet closing the heavy door behind them with a solid click Clementine relaxes. The dark never bothered her on the best of days, but so close after nearly losing AJ she's finding it harder to keep calm in the night. Always looking for danger, for something to reach out to hurt her and take AJ away. Again.

Rosie makes a quiet chirrup sound from her cage in the corner before settling back into her blankets to sleep. 

Louis leans against the desk, his leg bouncing with some kind of frantic energy that Clementine can't guess at. He stops as soon as the girls enter the room, "Finally. Was beginning to think I'd have to have this meeting all by myself. Not like I could have a better conversationalist, but kind of defeats the purpose-"

"Louis," Violet cuts him off, her voice clipped. There's a pause that stills the air before Louis seems to decide not to engage Violet and simply tilts his head towards the floor, not once looking in Clementine's direction. Its almost jarring to see Louis sink into such a serious mood. But then again, that was before AJ killed Marlon. That was before everything went to hell.

She almost wishes he'd continue with the banter, poke fun at her or Violet. They were friends, or at least quickly on the road to be. In the matter of a few moments her heart pounds while her emotions flit between hurt, aggravation, sadness, then acceptance. She doesn't acknowledge Louis either. Too much has been fucked up between them and Clementine isn't oblivious to that fact. Whether she thinks Louis and the others' treatment towards her and AJ was fully justified, they both need space. She can respect that. 

"So," Clementine breaks the tension and turns to Violet, "what did you want to talk about?"

Violet and Louis exchange a quick glance before Violet holds Clementine's gaze. "We want to clear the air a little bit. A lot of shit went down the past few days, and even though not everyone is happy to see you back here we do have to work together. So, we wanted to make sure there aren't any hard feelings."

Clementine shakes her head, "No hard feelings. I understand, for the most part. You guys let us back in when AJ was hurt, and you helped him, so no hard feelings."

"Good," Violet looks relieved, her shoulders seeming to become less tense and her face softening, "I can't speak for everyone about forgiving you, but I do speak for everyone," she shoots a look at Louis who has yet to lift his head, "when I say that no one will give you or AJ shit while you're here helping us against the raiders. Hopefully everyone cools off over the next few days. If we have that long."

Clementine nods. Too much to hope that they'll be welcomed back into the school once all of this is over; if things don't turn out in their favor Clementine doesn't want to risk her heart being broken again over being turned out. So she won't hope, she'll take however long they have before the assault in stride and just pray its long enough to make it back into everyone's good graces. 

Violet sighs and for a moment Clementine can see how exhausted she really is. They haven't had a lot of time to talk since the incident in the courtyard, and Clementine feels momentarily guilty for not checking in with Violet to see how she was handling the news of Minnie's fake death. Violet stood up for her and AJ while trying to process enough of her own baggage. They'll have to have a sit down and Clementine will have to properly apologize when they can get a private moment. 

"So you're really cool with helping us, after everything?" Violet asks. 

Louis finally picks up his head, noncommittally turning in her direction without meeting her gaze, clearly interested in her answer but still reluctant to be part of the conversation. It takes a moment for Clementine to get her head with the program, trying to get a read on Louis. But his face is studiously blank, eyes still down-turned and arms coming up to cross over his chest.

"Uh," Clementine clears her throat, "Yeah, I am. I mean, I'm not entirely okay with AJ and I being kicked out of the school, but I understand why the vote turned out the way it did. There's no point in being angry over it, and I'm just hoping to be able to move on. As long as I don't have to worry about anyone wanting any kind of revenge." She says the last bit jokingly, but makes the underlying worry clear enough to the two of them. 

"You won't need to worry about that," Violet said, "I've already talked with everyone and explained the situation. If they have a problem they can deal with me, but I made sure we're on the same page not to antagonize you or AJ. Right?" The last is said a bit too hard and pointedly towards Louis who whips his head up with a scowl.

"Jesus, Vi," he said, exasperated, "Really? You don't think I understand how big this is? I'm the one who said we should bury the hatchet."

"Well, kind of hard to believe how seriously you're taking it when you're keeping your damn mouth shut the one time you shouldn't be."

Louis glares at the wall and purses his lips. His jaw works like he's chewing on words that can't find their way out and he clenches his fists against his sides. The air turns heavy and uncomfortable and Clementine can't help but shuffle her feet against the floor.

Finally Louis forcefully releases a breath and meets Clementine's gaze for the first time. There's hesitation at first and his eyes flit to and fro before his expression hardens with resolve and he doesn't look from her eyes again. "We made the decision to kick you two out too quickly. When Marlon and Brody's deaths were too fresh. Maybe we weren't thinking as clearly as we should have been. And... You saved us. In the woods, with Lilly. I don't know what would have happened if they'd turned those guns on us, and they were turned on AJ instead. So, you won't be hearing shit from me."

Clementine nods, the hint of a smile breaking on her lips in gratitude. There's a lot still wrong between them, between her and everyone in the school, but its a big step in the right direction, and one she didn't expect to get just yet. Its not exactly an apology, but she'll take it. And she'll sleep easier.

Louis claps his hands together, the nervous energy clearly coming back to the forefront as he rubs his palms together and darts his eyes from Violet to Clementine and back, "Well, mission accomplished. Gold star for teamwork. I say its time for some beauty sleep, god knows I could use some."

"I second that," Clementine says.

"Well, its not really needed in your case," Louis quips.

Clementine glances at him in surprise, not expecting the offhand compliment and banter. She doesn't quite know how to take it or even how to respond, but Louis gives her a small smile and a nod. The animosity between them is settled. For the most part. And he's extending the olive branch. Clementine smiles back at him, sure that the relief is clear on her face. Louis's face falls for a moment before he's turning away again. And if Clementine notices the slight blush on his cheeks she doesn't mention it.

"Let's get some sleep," Violet said, "I'll come get you in the morning and we'll start putting together the plans. Come on, Clem, I'll walk you back." 

Both girls turn towards the door that swings open with a heavy creak. Before following Violet through the door Clementine hesitates and looks over her shoulder back towards Louis. "Goodnight," she says softly.

"Goodnight, Clementine."

The door shuts with a solid click. 

* * *

The door to Clementine and AJ's room opens and closes as quietly as possible, but the creaking is still impossible to tamper. 

Clementine slowly makes her way across the room, doubtful of how much sleep she'll really be able to get with AJ still hurt in the bed next to her, but hopefully her exhaustion knocks her out. She reaches for the candle before there's a stirring in AJ' bed, two dark eyes peaking out from under the blankets blearily at her. "Clem?"

"Hey, kiddo," Clementine breathes with relief as she kneels next to the bed, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. And kind of sick."

"That's probably the medicine that Ruby gave you. The best thing you can do is sleep it off."

"I had a dream Clementine," AJ said, sounding very tired and disoriented still, probably not fully awake with the meds still in his system.

"Oh yeah? What did you dream about?"

"I dreamed about monsters. That we were stuck in a dark place, with no exits. There were no doors or windows, but you could hear monsters scratching on the other side of the walls. And they just kept getting louder. There was nowhere to hide, and nowhere to run," AJ blinked up at Clementine, "I felt trapped."

Clementine softly carded her fingers through his hair, gently scratching his scalp. "That would never happen," she said, "and want to know why? Because we're smart, and capable. We would never be caught anywhere we couldn't escape. And even if we were in a tight spot, we'd be together. There's nothing that can keep us down when we're working together, right?"

AJ yawned, "No, we're too smart."

"That's right."

"But-" AJ stuttered to a stop.

"Mm?"

"I wasn't scared of the monsters, Clem. I wasn't afraid they would hurt me. I was afraid they'd hurt you. And I wouldn't be able to stop it. We were surrounded. And you were scared, and I couldn't do anything."

Clementine leaned down and placed a kiss on his forehead while she continued to comfortingly run fingers through his hair. "We protect each other AJ. You'll always have my back, and I'll always have yours. I'm your protector. And you're mine. No matter what happens, we'll get through it together, okay? So you don't need to worry about trapped or unsafe, behind walls or out with the walkers, we'll always watch out for each other."

AJ grabbed for her hand and held it tightly, his fingers slightly shaking. "I love you, Clem."

"I love you back."

Exhaustion finally seems to weigh on AJ as his eyes drift shut and his breathing evened out. Clementine waited for him to fall asleep before carefully prying her hand from his and tucking the blanket more firmly around him.

Clementine crawls into bed, blows out the candle, and has a restless sleep with nightmares that she can't remember when she wakes.

* * *

Clementine is woken to a soft, but steady series of knocks at the door. She glances over to the other bed, relieved to see AJ's deep, steady breaths, still out like a light. She looks towards the window next, groaning when she sees the sun has barely risen, gentle light beginning to fill the room. Violet wasn't kidding about being serious with making plans for the school. Suppose she can't blame her.

There's another knock at the door that finally motivates her enough to crawl out of bed and answer. She opens the door, expecting to meet Violet, but is met with dark, solemn eyes instead as Louis stands on the other side of the door.

Clementine freezes for only a moment before gaining her bearings. "Hey," she said softly.

"Hey. Uh..."

Louis shifts his feet, like he's hyping himself for something, stance widening and hands resting against his hips as he sighs towards the floor before looking to Clementine again.

"I... wanted to apologize," he said. 

"Apologize?" 

"Yeah. Not- not to say that I'm not still angry," Louis meets Clementines gaze steadily, and when Clementine searches she can only find solemnity, not anger. "I am still angry, Clem. And sad. A lots happened in the past few days and its hard to work through it all with psychos coming to dance their way into our home and take us all."

Clementine nods, "I know. Believe me I do. I've been in similar situations in the past."

"Can't imagine how you got through it."

"I didn't have a choice."

There's a pause, the quiet a soothing balm over the emotions that are raging in each. Louis, mourning the loss of his friends, and Clementine, lost in memories she would prefer to forget.

"We made a mistake kicking you out. I made a mistake," Louis said, "What I said to AJ was unfair and I'll apologize to him too when he's feeling better, but... I felt I needed to say it to you in person, between the two of us."

Clementine's head feels light with relief, and maybe she should just leave the apology as is, but she has to know. "To be honest, I thought you'd be the last to forgive us. What changed?"

"I don't forgive you," Louis said, stern, but not unkind, "I'm not there yet. I'm not ready to."

Clementine's hopes fall and there's a small void forming in her chest that confuses her and adds to the unsteady ground of the conversation. She's not really sure where this is heading, where things are supposed to stand. She doesn't want to expect too much of him, but god does she wish that all of the badness from the last few days could just be forgotten. That they all could go back...

"Well, thank you for the apology," said Clementine, turning to move back into the room.

"Wait," Louis gently stops her, placing a hand on her shoulder.

She meets his gaze and his eyes dart, mouth hanging open. He didn't have anything planned to say, just knew that he wanted to stop her. He takes a slow deep breath before replacing his hands on his hips.

"Okay, look," he huffs in clear exasperation with himself, tapping his foot as he searches for words before he opens his mouth and they all seem to start tumbling out. "I want to forgive you. And I think I will. Given the time. Its just difficult right now. And I know its unfair and a bit selfish, but I want you to forgive me too. It doesn't have to be now, but I just want to know that somewhere down the line we'll be able to be friends again. I know that I'm part of the reason AJ got hurt, and I'm so sorry for that. I just really want you to know that I don't hate you and I hope you don't hate me and I want you to know that if we have another vote I'll vote for you to stay. I just hope-"

"Louis!"

"Huh?"

"You're rambling."

He stares at her, a deer in headlights kind of look, mouth hanging open in a way that would be funny if she wasn't still trying to process everything he just threw at her. But she smiles at him, amused, and cheeks feeling more than a little warm.

Louis blinks and seems to finally come back to himself. Red dusts his cheeks and he crosses his arms and scoffs, "Not rambling, just very passionate. I'm that type of guy."

"Chatty?"

"Enthusiastic."

Clementine huffs a laugh and Louis grins in response before the atmosphere sobers back to uncertainty and sincere. 

"Its okay, you know," Clementine says first, "I don't hate you. And I do want to be your friend again."

"I'm glad to hear it. Probably don't deserve to be let off the hook so easily, but I'm really glad I am."

"Louis?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

Louis blinks, "What for exactly?"

"For carrying AJ, and letting us stay."

"You're welcome."

The tension visibly drains from them both and Clementine can't deny how much lighter she feels knowing Louis doesn't hate her. Her chest feels fluttery and her stomach feels warm like a shot of whiskey. Maybe she's not ready to start thinking on why she's so goddamn relieved, but she's going to enjoy this one good thing after a series of pretty shitty days. 

"I'll see you later in the office with Violet," said Clementine.

"I'll see you there. Bring your A-game."

"Actually be there on time."

Louis tosses her a two-finger salute, "Its your world, boss." He turns and walks back down the hall.

Clementine doesn't really know it yet, but when Clementine was seventeen she for the first time fell in love. 


	2. Phantom Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clementine has some work to do in confronting her demons before she can hope to fully accept a new life at Ericson's. Finally some bonding and more than a few flustered moments along the way.

The first thing that Clementine is aware of upon waking every single morning is her finger, or lack of finger to be more specific. And every single morning after looking at the little stump that healed over poorly with gnarled scar tissue and discoloration is the phantom pain of that car door slamming over her hand. Sharp, cutting pain that sliced through her palm and three middle fingers. The sound of a baby's sharp screams echoing in her ears. Even after the very few nights where Clementine is able to fall into a deep sleep, she still wakes with her heart pounding in her ears and adrenaline shooting through her veins.

She doesn't mind, however. It helps to wake up so alert and aware, especially in a world where she has to expect the worst. No rest for the wicked, even for two kids sleeping behind high walls. 

God, it seems crazy to think of all of the paths that life has pushed her down, and all of the could-have-been's that very nearly tripped her up along the way. So many people who wanted to see her dead, others who tried to mold her into a monster. She can't help but worry, some days, that maybe they succeeded a little. Were there degrees of corruption? How much could she attribute to survival, to defending herself and living for AJ's sake? 

...Did it even matter anymore? Was there anyone but her left alive to hold her accountable; who knew about her past and the things she'd done?

And she doesn't feel guilty. She doesn't. She doesn't. She doesn't...

Every single morning Clementine opens her eyes and feels her phantom finger flex and extend. It's a pain that will probably follow her for the rest of her days. She fidgets her fingers and stares. It's a reminder, an ugly visual of every dirty, unpleasant thing she had to live through and do with her own hands to make it this far. And she doesn't mind it.

There's blood on her hands. Sure. She's killed people. She's not sure of the number anymore, and she feels like she should know. She doesn't even know how the number would compare to any other person surviving out in the world. That's part of life now, isn't it? Kill or be killed. She stopped being a kid at eight. Killed her first man at nine. Became a protector at eleven. Most people alive today adapted and overcame, but she was raised in the brutality the world had been left in. She was carving her way before she even fully understood what it meant to be a good person anymore. And now she was trying to raise someone else with better ideals that what she lived by.

And she doesn't feel guilty.

No amount of philosophizing would change what she'd done and, more importantly, that she didn't need to feel guilt. Not really. She'd screwed up and made mistakes along the way but looking back would get you killed; fester inside until it dragged your feet and sapped you of your will to put one foot in front of the other. So, she didn't regret it. She wasn't proud, but her conscience was inconsequential to keeping AJ moving forward. To teach him that he comes first and to never hesitate. For better or worse. If he's still breathing, then it’s a victory.

But that hadn't helped them, had it? That was the very thing that had fucked them over.

Never hesitate. 

Aim for the head.

...Don't feel guilt?

It almost cost them a home, and their lives. 

Maybe it's time for things to change. To teach AJ how not to defend just himself, but how to defend others. Defending a home that you love and people who you can count on was most important. It was time he started to learn that. Time to add more lessons.

Time to pray that in doing so he doesn't lose more than a finger.

Clementine sits up in bed, like she does every single morning. She uses her left hand to feel the stump on the other. It’s a reminder, that although she has always put AJ first, to protect something you love can require sacrifice. The thought turns her stomach.

* * *

 

Clementine's stomach doesn't feel any better once she reaches the courtyard. At first glance everyone seems to be doing something productive. Violet and Ruby have started work on fortifying the front gate by dragging over any scrap from the burned part of the school. So far it all looks like a complete mash of plywood and scrap metal, but something tells her that the finished product won't look much nicer. As long as it's safe she guesses it doesn't matter. Mitch is fiddling with the pieces for his explosives that he's compiled from the other day at one of the picnic tables. He hasn't been conversational with any of the others the past few days and Clementine can't tell if it's because he's still pissed off that she and AJ have been allowed back into the school or if he's just as unnerved as everyone else is and is bearing it in silence. As long as he's working at those explosives, she supposes it doesn't really matter for the time being.

Willy and AJ, who still wasn't well enough to put in any heavy lifting so was essentially bound to the watchtower all day with rotating shifts for company, are standing watch. There haven't been very many walkers the past few nights. Clementine gets the passing thought that perhaps James is working to keep the walkers in the area away from the school, but she doesn't count on it. They still know too little about him to assume the lengths of his altruism. Saving them from walkers was one thing, going out of his way day after day to redirect walkers from the school was another. Still, the watches had to continue to keep an eye for anything out of the ordinary, meaning anyone still alive.

Tenn and Omar sit by the cooking pot with the duffel bags of food opened and spread out around them while they make notes on a small clipboard. It was agreed by everyone that it would be best to ration and rely solely on the large stash of food they were able to get from the train station to avoid splitting up the group and risking anyone else getting nabbed by raiders while out hunting. For now, staying behind the walls of the school was safest. 

Aasim is busy using old yardsticks from the schools abandoned classrooms to measure the wall before giving the measurements to Louis who sits on the opposite table from Mitch carefully unraveling and cutting the barbed wire to double the length of the walls to allow for standing loops of metal. It’s slow going, considering the gardening gloves he's using to handle the lengths of wire were built more for rose thorns than pointed steel and Clementine can see the wincing he is obviously trying to mask. It brings a grimace to Clementine's face and there's no hesitation before she starts making her way over. 

"Need a hand?" she asks gesturing to the wheel of steel. Louis doesn't even look up, preoccupied with keeping his fingers clear of the barbs. 

"I'm managing. Just get nicked every now and again," he says.

"Better give him a break," Violet calls from the gate, "he's already cut himself a few times. Any more and he'll be complaining all night at dinner."

"It’s not as sharp as your insults, Vi, you're already trying to cut down my masculinity here."

"There wasn't much to begin with."

"Ouch, see, we should just stick you up on the wall. You'd probably drive them away more than this barbed wire could. Sticks and stones may hurt, but Violet's words hurt like a bitch."

Soft giggles can be heard from the watchtower and two pairs of little eyes can be seen peaking under the railing. "Shouldn't you two be keeping your eyes on the walkers?" Ruby chides and the eyes disappear. 

"Here," Clementine extends a hand, "let me have a go for a bit." 

Louis finally lifts his gaze, first to her hand before his eyes drift up to her face. For a moment its strangely blank, like seeing her standing there in front of him though he had been talking to her a moment ago surprises him. She watched his eyes dart before looking back to her palm. "I didn't realize," he says, a quiet wondering remark to himself.

"Hm?" Clementine lets her hand fall in confusion.

"Your hand," he says.

"What about it?" Aasim asks, taking a few chugs of water from an old milk jug, sweat dripping down his forehead and collapsing onto one of the benches. He looks like he's been working harder than anyone else out here, but maybe that's not entirely surprising.

"You're missing a finger," Louis seems to answer Aasim, but his voice is soft and wouldn't carry to him; he's speaking directly, privately, to Clementine. 

"Oh, yeah," she's not really sure why, maybe because she's naturally responding in the same tone, or maybe she would brush it off if anyone else had asked her. But she drops the volume of her voice, and it feels like she's blown a bubble of seclusion around the two of them, "I lost it a few years ago. A car door. Slammed on it."

His face twists into a grimace like he's imagining how it would have felt, "That's rough."

"It's not so bad," Clementine offers a little smile and a small wave of her hand to show that she really is all right. In a world of the walking dead a missing finger is a much better outcome than most have gotten. She catches Louis gaze and it holds, for probably the first time since before the incident with Marlon. He grins back, a light in his eyes that Clementine would call admiration, but there's something else there too that she can't puzzle out. She looks a little harder into his eyes, can't seem to avert them. His face seems to soften, melt into something... fond? He still has that goofy grin that's only spreading more across his face and his gaze hasn't broken with hers either. His eyebrows quirk, a look of uncertainty washing over and his head cocks ever so slightly to the side. She feels a brush against her hand...

" _Okay._ Awkward," Aasim murmurs before grabbing the jug of water and quickly turning his back walks back towards the wall. 

Clementine's head snaps up, like she's just waking out of a dream, and in her periphery she sees Louis's hand, reaching and hovering next to her won that hangs at her side before it jumps back to gripping the wire like it had been there the whole time. Too quickly, apparently, because Louis immediately drops the whole length to the ground with a shout and pulls his hand back to cradle to his chest while muttering swears under his breath. 

Clementine turns to look at the others, her cheeks burning though she doesn't even know why, and she feels a rush of embarrassment as she mentally checks who else may have been watching them. Which is dumb, because they hadn't even done anything, but she spies Ruby trying to cover a laugh and a roll of her eyes as she pointedly turns the other way. Mitch has looked up from his project with an eye roll of his own and looking kind of nauseous. AJ and Willy don't look any the wiser as they hang their arms over the railing of the watchtower. Violet's expression is the hardest to decipher. She's frowning and lifting an eyebrow before also turning back to the gate, her back a little stiffer than usual. Clementine can't help but feel like it’s a cold shoulder though she seems oblivious to Clementine's attention.

Louis stands next to her and its then that she turns her attention to his hand, but he just hugs it to his chest, the glove covering any sight of how badly he may be bleeding. "Uh, I'm gonna go get the first aid kit," he says, too quickly. 

"Do you need help?" Clementine says.

"No, no, no, I'm good. Good as rain. Yeah, that's how that goes. Anyway, ahem, you can stay here. I'll... go," and Louis all but stumbles back to the main building.

Clementine watches him go, cheeks still heated and weird butterflies in her stomach. She hears a laugh and turns to see Ruby shaking her head. "What?" says Clementine, and flinches at how defensive she sounds. Which is dumb. Because nothing happened. Just a little prolonged eye contact. It happens. Yeah, plenty of times.

"Oh, nothing," Ruby singsongs, "Just never seen a girl blush so much while bonding over razor wire and amputations before, is all." 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"She means just fuck already," Mitch says from his seat, eyes still pointed down.

If Clementine had thought her face was hot before it’s an inferno now. She can almost hear the sizzling and she imagines steam rising off of her face. Whether it was hearing someone so blatantly tell her to fuck someone or because it was implying that it would be her and Louis doing the fucking, Clementine tells herself it's the former. 

"W-whAT?!" Clementine can't help but sputter for a moment, "Ha, I uhh- have no  _idea_ what you're talking about."

"Jesus, Mitch, shut your damn mouth, like you'd have any idea what fucking is anyway," Violet sounds a bit more vitriolic than she typically does when responding to Mitch's bullshit. 

"More than Louis does, apparently," he says, and Clementine feels spiteful at how casual he seems. He sounds a little too cocky and satisfied with himself. It's not fair that she feels like she's about to burst into flames while Mitch seems so uncaring of Clementine's mortification. "That was painful to watch," he says with a laugh.

Ruby smirks, "Not as painful as that time Brody caught you alone with the principal's swimsuit mag-"

"I'm working, you know! I don't need distractions," Mitch shouts over her, ears and neck visibly turning scarlet and Clementine feels a little better.

"I knew it was you who found those magazines!" Willy yells from the top of the watchtower.

"That was a lot of swears," AJ tells Clementine. 

Clementine groans and hides her face in her hands for a moment before deciding that running away is just a way better idea. She turns and half jogs away from the others and across the courtyard. "Someone has to help with this wire, you know!" Aasim calls after her. She ignores him.

She can find something else that needs attention around the school, not like they don't have other preparations to make. Stupid Mitch. Stupid Louis. Stupid teasing. Stupid miscommunication, apparently, because there's nothing going on. No feelings. No crush. No nothing. And that was just  _so_ embarrassing, she wishes she'd just looked away from Louis eyes so no one would have said anything. And then there wouldn't have been the blush on her face, or the butterflies in her stomach, or the way she had looked down and had briefly seen Louis's tongue flick out and wet his lips and his fingers had brushed hers and she'd-  _Oh._

Oh no.

Oh _fuck._

* * *

 

"Hey, Clem?" AJ and Clementine sit on top of the watchtower. The sun is already starting to fall behind the trees and their watch is just starting. On a normal day they wouldn't bother watching through the night since the walkers didn't have noisy kids in the courtyard to draw their attention after dark, but night seemed like the time the raiders were more than likely to attack when they inevitably came. They couldn't let their guard down for a moment, or all of their preparations will have been for nothing if they manage to get the drop on them. Neither Clementine nor AJ even so much as glance from the surrounding trees as they talk, eyes jumping at every sounds and movement in the grass. 

"What's up, AJ?"

"What was my mom like?"

Clementine freezes, feels her heart stall and restart with a painful  _thump._ AJ has never asked about Rebecca. Ever. Clementine has told him things about her, of course she has, but he's never shown much attachment to the woman she's described to him, and he's never wondered about her on his own. As strange as it is, and as much as Clementine wished he'd shown more interest in the past, she feels at a loss now. It just feels so out of the blue; but she'd never deny telling him about her. "Why do you ask, kiddo?" she says.

"I don't know. I guess... I was doing a lot of thinking. When we still had the car, when it was just you and me, no one else seemed to matter. We didn't have friends; we didn't have anyone else. And every time I think about the Ranch, I remember it feeling safe, but I don't remember any faces."  _Thank god for small miracles_ , Clementine thinks. 

AJ twines his fingers, "But here is different. Everyone here cares about each other. And they have a home. I wish I could remember a time where we had one."

Clementine wraps her arm around AJ's shoulders and tugs him until he's lying against her side. Their eyes stare out into the darkness. At first, Clementine doesn't know what to say. A home, a safe place to sleep with food to have every night, that's the all she ever wanted to find for them. And the one time they might find somewhere to stop and finally rest there is still danger to deal with. But that's all there ever is, right? There's nowhere that's ever really safe.

_'...Becoming family with the people you're lucky enough to have with you. That bond can be stronger than friends. Maybe even stronger than family in a lot of way.'_

"Your mom was kind," Clementine says, "I didn't think so at first. We didn't like each other much at all, actually. But she defended the people in her group, she cared about them, and your dad. She loved your dad so much. And you."

Clementine's throat seems to close off and choke her. She bites her lip.

"What was my dad like?" And AJ sounds so small and achingly earnest as he asks that Clementine hugs him a little closer and clutches him tight.

"I liked him immediately," Clementine feels a broken laugh tumble from her lips, "He helped me when no one else in the group trusted me yet. He asked me when he needed help taking care of your mom. And he's the one who asked me to look after you. Know what else?"

"What?"

"He thought you were going to be a girl."

She feels AJ shake as he laughs. AJ squeezes her arm, "And when did you meet me?"

Clementine smiles, "Well, I met your mom when you were still in her belly. She was pretty big when their group found me, and you were born a few weeks later. I was there. You were so small, but you cried so loud."

Clementine hasn't thought about these moments in a very long time. Rebecca clutching her hand, the backdrop to baby AJ's birth being a horde of walkers. A newborn baby crying in her arms. The man who brought AJ into the world with so much care and concern lying dead in the snow somewhere in the wasteland up north, by her own finger pulling the trigger. Death always seemed to be a theme in AJ's life. He was born into it, everyone who would have cared for him slowly slipping away until only she is left. Despite all of it, AJ stands up stronger than she imagined when she looked at his scrunched face for the first time. 

"Your mom let me hold you. I rocked you. You stopped crying and I just held you. Your mom looked at me and she told me that I was a natural. And I knew that without knowing you that you'd be so important to me," Clementine blinks several times, chasing away the wet gathering in her eyes.

"Clem?"

"Mm?"

"How did my mom die?"

Clementine's breath hitches and she bites at her lip, using the pain to help curb the cries that want to escape. She thinks about all of them. Of the motel group. The cabin group. Richmond. Rebecca, Alvin, Kenny, Christa... and Lee. Death followed them both. And it never once got any easier to remember. It just became easier to push it to the back of your mind. 

"She..." Clementine took a deep breath and blink, blink, blinked away the tears. And her throat became too choked to continue.

Clementine waits a few minutes, and AJ doesn't push her. He's young, but wiser than one would expect from a kid. He doesn't push, and he doesn't ask again, but Clementine can feel his death grip on her arm. She never once turns from the forest ahead. Maybe that was the only reason she can bring herself to continue at all. 

Clementine starts again, "You know, you're not the first baby I saw born."

She feels AJ's head turn slightly on her shoulder, cocking his ear. Clementine doesn't know if she's speaking to him, or just needing to speak this aloud. Maybe it doesn't matter. It just needs said. "There was a woman who took care of me, after Lee died. Her name was Christa. She was pregnant, and it was just me and her. The baby came early, and I didn't know what to do. It was just me and her. And I had  _no_  idea.

"When the baby came out, it wasn't breathing. It was gone, it never even opened its eyes. And the worst part... We didn't know if it would change. Turn into a monster. So, we left it. Didn't try to save it. Didn't wrap it up, didn't bury it, just left it in this little shed where she gave birth. Ran away fast enough so that we didn't need to find out. And I think it broke her."

Clementine feels hot tears slowly start to make their way down her cheeks, unable to blink them back, "I was so scared when you were born. That the same thing would happen to you. Your mom let me touch her belly and I felt you kick, and I already knew that I wanted to meet you. I didn't want to think about what would happen if you didn't make it.

"And then Rebecca died instead. She was sick, and she should have been resting, but we needed to move. Where we were wasn't safe. And we lost her. Almost lost you with her. And since then so many people have tried to take you away from me. And each time I've come back for you, ready to kill anyone who stands in my way, just so I can hang onto the only family I have left."

The last world sounds cracked and Clementine chokes back a sob as she buries her face in AJ's curly hair. She clutches him tight, like someone out in that dark forest is going to reach out and tear him from her arms. Hell, there is someone, and they're coming sooner or later. And Clementine knows she's ready to stand by her oath to protect him.

She feels little fingers dig into her arm, and they're trembling. AJ's voice shakes, but it doesn't break, and he speaks with such clarity and determination that she almost forgets his age,  _almost_  forgets what kind of person she wants him to be, "If anyone tried to take me from you, or you from me, I'll kill them." Almost.

"I don't want that for you. If anyone tries to hurt us, I'll take care of it. I'll protect you," Clementine says.

"No. We'll protect each other. You don't need to be afraid, Clem. I'm not going anywhere."

Clementine laughs, a wet and cracked sound that makes her wince as it hits her ears, "I should be saying that to you."

"You've always protected me. It has to be my turn sometimes."

She humors him. Nods and clutches him close. "I love you," she says.

"I love you, too."

Clementine flexes her phantom finger. 

* * *

 

It's nearly dawn when AJ and Clementine climb down from the watchtower, Its Aasim and Mitch's turn to keep watch while the two of them get to sleep late into the morning. The two of them feel a little more exhausted than usual and they sleep through breakfast and almost miss lunch if Omar hadn't knocked on their door to fetch them.

They head outside to meet bright, warm sunshine and dreary, exhausted faces sitting down for breakfast. It really doesn't seem like anyone has been able to sleep the past few nights. Dark purple lines everyone's eyes like bruises. Willy looks like he's about to face-plant into his bowl. AJ and Clementine sit next to Tenn, who's bowl is half empty and has already turned his attention to his colored pencils and notebook paper, but he doesn't seem to be doing more than staring at it while thoughtfully gnawing on a blue pencil, as if he's expecting a picture to etch itself into the page if he glares hard enough.

"What are you drawing?" AJ asks, lifting himself onto his knees and peering at the paper next to Tenn.

"I don't know yet," he says, "Aasim says I have to draw another map of the school, because we're going to be sealing the greenhouse back up until after the attack and need a blank slate. So he says. I wanted to draw something first, but I don't know, nothing comes to mind today."

Clementine takes a moment to really look at Tenn. He's hunched over, a little more withdrawn than he normally would be. He's only twelve and he already looks like he has aging marks crossing his face. His eyelids droop and despite his attention on his art supplies, he still looks unfocused. And it’s not just him, its mirrored on everyone's faces clear enough to see to anyone who takes a close enough look. They're all still so little to be asked to deal with such a crazy situation. It’s been life or death for years, they've seen their fair share of the dead just as Clementine and AJ have, but never a threat from anyone intelligent and determined enough to try to destroy the home they've built. Marlon was probably the first one among them that actually felt like a betrayer. Sheltered comes to Clementine's mind, from the worst that the end of the world had to offer.

"What about the river? Where we go fishing," AJ says. 

Tenn sighs, "No, I don't think I want to draw that. Actually, I was kind of hoping to draw something for Minnie and Sophie. If the raiders come here, then maybe they will to. It’s possible. And I want to draw something to show that they're welcome to come back. That we haven't forgotten about them."

Clementine smiles, trying her best to keep any trace of pity out of it. Of all the people at this school who are messed up over the threat of the Delta, Tenn definitely has it the hardest. He had to live through a whole year of believing his sisters were dead, to find out they'd been betrayed and held captive all this time. And to hold onto the one slim chance that either of them could be among the people to inevitably attack them... Whose side would they be on? Would they fight at all? Clementine supposes there's even more racing through Tennessee's head, and all she can do is smile and try to be as encouraging as possible.

"Well, what did Sophie and Minnie like?" Clementine asks softly as she starts to dig into her breakfast.

"Sophie liked art, she was really good at it. Way better than me. But she also liked cooking. She was the only one who would sometimes help Omar to make dinner. She would help make the best stews with herbs from the greenhouse; but that was a long time ago. Minnie always liked singing. Violet and her would sing songs while Louis played the piano. Marlon would join in too, back when we still had a guitar," Tenn's face, momentarily bright while talking about fonder times in the past, a small smile probably unbeknownst to him on his face and eyes shining with a bit of borrowed happiness starts to dim as he slowly comes back to the present, and his face falls to the blank paper again, "Violet hasn't sang since we thought they'd died. And no one has really listened to Louis play either. Brody would try to get us all in the music room, but no one ever showed up."

Clementine frowns, reaching across the table to gently rub her palm over his shoulders. She hasn't had a lot of practice with comforting people, but she remembers her dad, and Lee, would always pat her back and it made her feel better.

"You know what you should draw?" Clementine says, and she's about to suggest he draw everyone in the school, everyone left alive and everyone who had been waiting for them and hoping they would come back. Smiling faces, open arms, the family that this school has known for so long. Clementine feels a twinge in her heart at the thought that she never had anyone out there, somewhere, waiting to welcome her home. She doesn't get the chance to say anything, however.

"You should draw the school," AJ says, "draw it like how you want it to be after we've dealt with the raiders. New walls, the greenhouse, and maybe even a bath. That would be really fancy. Draw it like its home."

Tennessee cocks hid head at AJ, thinking on it. He gnaws on his pencil again and stares at the paper, "A bath would be nice. Or a big swimming pool."

"And a big bed covered in pillows."

"What about a stage, where Minnie can sing."

"And a hundred rabbits to make all the rabbit stew you can eat!"

Tenn laughs, and for the first time in days while looking with clear, unworried eyes, he smiles, "Yeah, that would be pretty good."

Tenn pushes some of his colored pencils over to AJ who accepts them eagerly and they both share space on the page as they begin to draw the school, their dream house, onto paper. Clementine smiles at them both, soft and fond, and takes a moment to pat at AJ's hair before settling back into her food. 

* * *

 

Sweat starts to drip down Clementine's brow as she hammers at the barricade that is slowly but surely making its way to completion. It’s not like it looks any better than a bunch of wood all kind of nailed into one piece, because that's exactly what it is, but it doesn't need to look good just do its job. Clementine picks up another plank of wood and is about to start hammering again when she feels a presence settle at her side.

"Want to hold it while I take a turn with the hammer?" Violet asks.

Clementine smiles, "Yeah, that would be great. I need a break."

Clementine grips the plank and Violet picks up the hammer and gets to work.

"I wanted to check on you," Violet says, "Aasim said you guys looked off after your watch last night. Everyone around here has someone to worry over them, but I wanted to make sure someone was asking you, too."

"I'm fine," Clementine says.

"You don't have to be, you know. A lot of shit has gone down. It wouldn't be surprising if you started to burn out."

Clementine sighs, and though she's done a pretty good job the past few days of hiding her worry, exhaustion, and doubt that any of this is even going to pull together, she needs to take a breath and let down the shield she's been carrying around her the past few days. She needs a minute to just feel tired and feel unsure. Of anyone at the school, Violet is probably the one who would understand that the best. She's the only one that saw through her, after all, and the only one who asked. 

"Just had a lot on my mind lately," and admitting any kind of weakness at all simultaneously leaves her shoulders feeling heavier and her heart feeling lighter, like a band had been crushing her chest and suffocating her, and it has finally started to loosen and she can breathe deep for the first time in, god she doesn't even know how long, "Before, when it was just me and AJ, I always had to have a brave face. I could never let myself seem tired or desperate or scared. And it’s what would drive me. My focus was always on moving forward and that was all there was. Here, I have time to think. And time to remember things. I'm not used to it, and it’s hard."

Violet is quiet for a moment, probably digesting what Clementine is saying. It’s not hard to hear the thoughts that are haunting Clementine when she speaks. Violet hears it, and she doesn't offer 'I'm sorry' or 'It will get better.' And Clementine is grateful.

"You guys were on the road a while," Violet says, "I'm sure you've seen a lot that would stick with you."

"I have. I try to keep AJ away from those things as much as possible."

"By?"

"Staying away from people, mostly," Clementine says, and even she has to strain to hear the words coming from her own mouth. "Most of the bad things that have happened to me have been because of other people, whether they were trying to kill me or trying to save me. It never worked out. I always tried to keep him from that."

Violet meets her eyes, she's long since dropped the hammer at her side and Clementine didn't even notice. They're just sitting, hands in their laps, heads down, tilted towards each other in a semblance of privacy, though there's no one around to listen. "What changed?" she asks, "Why did you decide to stay here?"

"I just didn't know what else to do. I got tired of always running from something. Always risking our lives because there was no one else to have our backs. I guess I'd been looking for people who would take us in for a while, I just didn't realize it until we were here. Until I got to know all of you."

Violet frowns and her eyes drop to dart around the grass, thinking hard on something. When she looks back up, she seems cautious but determined; a hard edge to her face, but the softness stays present in her eyes, "What's the hardest thing you had to do out there?" Her eyes are searching. For what, Clementine isn't sure, but she knows just by meeting her gaze that she better answer truthfully. That whatever she looking to find, she'll know if Clementine's being straight with her or not.

Clementine feels her stomach roll and a shiver run down her spine. She never talks about the things she's had to do to survive. She's never mentioned the people she's lost, the ones who died to save her. She can feel her chest empty, like her heart has frozen over and refuses to beat, the chill settling over as faces run through her head. Faces she'll never forget, no matter how much she sometimes wants to.

"For a long time, it was shooting Lee. My first real friend, the one who took care of me. But then as time went on, I realized that shooting him had been a mercy. I found my peace with that. But there were others who I would try to save, but they weren't fast enough, or careful enough. Or they just... gave up. And I couldn't risk getting dragged down, too."

Clementine is hardly aware of what's around her, caught up in her own head. Violet presses into her side, a solid presence that helps to ground her. Clementine's hand fiddles over the scar tissue of her missing finger. She swears she can feel the sharp pain from that car door radiating up her arm and a baby's screams echoing shrilly in her ears.

"I was attacked by a dog, shot in the stomach, lost my finger, branded, beaten, kidnapped, faced down the barrel of a gun more times than I can fucking count, and I still think that the hardest thing I've had to do was... just get up every morning. Every morning I remember, and I see it all and I just-"

She hisses in pain, she hadn't realized she's been digging her nails into the stump of her ring finger, sharp pain registering now as she sees the little flecks of blood start to bead above her skin. Violet's hand grabs hers, holds it tight, covers the wound and just holds her steady like she's ready to shake apart at any moment. Clementine takes a deep breath and breathes out nice and slow. "See?" she says, "Too much thinking."

"When I thought Minnie and Sophie were dead, I didn't want to get up in the morning," Violet says, "It was enough that I just wanted to lie down and never get back up. I hardly ate, or slept, and I didn't even think. I just wallowed. If it wasn't for Tenn, I wouldn't have put it behind me. I'd have drowned in it." She squeezes Clementine's hand, "If you really went through all of that, still moving forward with a kid at your side, I can't imagine. I never want to be weak. You don't either."

Violet raises a hand, grinning at her, it’s not a happy sort of grin, one that's filled with all of the reflected pain and loss that Clementine feels, but Violet is the kind of person who'd prefer to laugh at grief in its face than continue to let it eat her up. Clearly from what she's said it’s not always that way, there are times when she loses strength, is not motivated to continue on. But she does it. Because she has to. "We'll pull each other back up when we need it. You're both one of us now, so you have people to watch your back," she says.

Clementine clasps her hand. Doesn't even really think about it, hardly lets the words register before she does. She's waited so long for someone to offer a lifeline, a chance for her to let her guard down just the smallest amount, and she grips Violet's hand like it’s the thing that will save her. Fuck it, it’s exactly that. And for the first time in so long, months, years, maybe since before Savannah, Clementine feels like she can breathe deep and feel her muscles lose their tension like a weight that she's been fighting against for however long she's decided she had to face the world alone. 

"Yeah," Clementine says, "We will."

* * *

 

It’s hardly sunset when Clementine makes her way up to the office in the main building. They've been making a lot of headway the past few days with fortifying the yard, but there's still a lot that needs to come together. Enough has gone right for Clementine to feel encouraged, but something always goes wrong. She's counting on it. So, she tried to account for every detail, cataloging all of the little gaps they need to patch, all of the holes over the wall from where they ran out of barbed wire, every bit of building material they had left. All of it was accounted for on the back of the map they had drawn out, a list of all of their resources and everything still left to do, if they were granted enough time. For now, Clementine plans to stash the maps back in the office and then get some sleep. She has to keep watch again tomorrow night, so tonight she wants to get as much rest as she can find.

She opens the door, Louis and Violet already waiting on the other side. Violet is reviewing the inventory list the Omar and Tenn made up while Louis is busy trying to coax Rosie back into her cage for the night. Louis has all but moved into Marlon's old room and the principal's old office. He said it was to keep an eye on Rosie because she didn't like her cage being moved, but it was pretty clear that Rosie didn't like the cage at night when she could be sleeping at the foot of the mattress. Violet had some problems with it, what with the office previously representing leadership over the school, but she seemed to let it go once it became apparent that everyone was still following the instructions she'd laid out. And when the two of them walked in one day to find Louis staring at the picture of he and Marlon, neither of them mentioned it since then, preferring to let it go and not press it.

"I marked down everything in red that was finished today," Clementine says as she spreads the paper on the desk. 

Violet looks over the map carefully, nodding in approval and clear relief that everything they had hoped to accomplish today had actually been pulled off for once, "Good, that gives us a head start on fortifying the hallways in the dorms. Huh, I can't believe this is actually coming together."

"What? You doubted our little band of lost boys?" Louis theatrically stands up from the locked cage and dusts his hands off on his coat, "It's going fine. Honestly, you worry too much."

"That is the last thing I want to hear from you," Violet says.

Clementine smiles, "They're all actually doing pretty okay. Their nerves might be a bit fried, but other than that this place is almost like a fortress now."

"Mitch and Willy are going out in the morning to behead a few walkers. They think that putting the heads on spikes will be a good scare tactic," Violet sounds impressed. Clementine can't help but grimace. Guess in a school for troubled youth the idea of planting heads on spikes sounds like a good one; it just makes her stomach turn.

"Louis," Violet continues, "I want you to carry the rest of the supplies into the back hallway tomorrow, we'll skip lunch and power through it all before dark. "

"Okay, Vi, you need to cut a little slack," Louis says. There's an edge to his voice as his anxiousness starts to bleed through the upbeat persona he's had fixed the past few days, "Everyone put in double the effort because you were acting like a cattle driver all damn day."

"And it worked. Which is why we need to keep it up. We might not get another day; we have to make every hour count."

"Fine. Have it your way."

"Okay, guys," Clementine steps in, "let's get some sleep. It has been a long day and we could really use it."

"Yeah, I'm with you on that one," says Violet. She heads for the door and pauses, "Coming, Clem?"

Clementine hesitates, she looks from Violet to the map, and in her periphery can see Louis standing casually to the side; but he can't hide the way his eyes meet hers for a split second, so fast that Violet wouldn't have caught it and Clementine can pretend that it’s not the reason she forcibly turns her attention to the map and says, "I think I'll take one more look at the list to make sure I got everything down."

Violet scrutinizes her, disbelief clear on the lift of her brow and the way she tosses a knowing look in Louis's direction, who is turning his attention none-too-covertly to the pile of toys Tenn had left in the corner. Violet nods, her voice heavy with implication as she closes the door after her with an, "All right, in the morning then."

Clementine can feel her heart start to beat in overtime as she turns towards the map. It’s not meant to be coy, just... It’s kind of strange that she's been in rooms alone with plenty of other people, and she was fine. Now, as she listens to soft footsteps slowly make their way towards the desk, she feels like her heart is going to break from her rib cage. Though, there's nothing to be nervous about. Because she's fine. Louis is  _fine._ She just has to review their notes is all.

She hears a throat being cleared behind her, "You, uh, need some help?"

She smirks over her shoulder, completely at odds with the fluttery feeling. Just play it cool. It is cool. Its  _fine._

"Oh, so now you're interested in the whole planning part," she teases.

"Never was not interested, I was just focused on other things," he says. And from his tone, Clementine believes him. There's something solemn about it that she wasn't expecting, that doesn't quite fit with his easygoing attitude.

"What kind of things?"

He gestures to the wall behind the desk where leaning against the peeling wallpaper and grime is Marlon's bow. There's a quiver of arrows next to it, all a little frayed but still holding together. Clementine's heart jumps at the sight of it. And the butterflies in her stomach continue to flutter, but for a different reason now as she apprehensively turns to Louis. "You've been practicing with it?" She asks.

"A little," he says, and he doesn't quite meet her eyes like his attention is on something far away, "I've never really used it. Always had that Chairles as my weapon of choice."

"Please don't call it that," Clementine makes a face.

Louis side-eyes her, an amused smirk on his face, "Oh? Chairles isn't good enough for you? Well, what do you call your knife? Mr. Pointy?"

Clementine chuckles, "I call it a knife. I don't name any weapons."

"Well, we'll have to fix that. How about Toothpick? That's not even a pun, it’s an actual name. Or Skewer? Prick? Slice of Life? I've got tons, I can just keep going."

"Okay," Clementine buries her face in one hand, hiding her reddening face, "I'm embarrassed for you. Please stop."

He hums in concession, and Clementine lifts her head once she has more control of her breathing. They're quiet for a few moments, grinning at one another. They probably look pretty dumb. And when Clementine thinks of what they probably look like right now, staring at each other like weirdos, what would any of the others think if they opened the door.

_'She means just fuck already.'_

Clementine audibly squeaks, which is so mortifying, and her hand is snapping up to cover her mouth and obscure the flush on her face.  _Where the hell did that come from?_ she wonders. Ugh, stupid Mitch. No, no. It's fine. She's  _fine._ It's just a little crush. Right? No big deal. But now Louis is looking at her, dumbfounded and cocking his head. "You feel all right?" he asks.

"Yeah. Fine. Just a long day. I'm really tired. I should probably go find AJ and make sure he gets to bed," she says. 

It could be her imagination, but his expression falls, just a little bit, before he's smiling again, settling his hands on his hips, "Thought you wanted to look over your notes?"

"I'm tired, it would be better to just do it tomorrow."

"Hm. If you say so. There are probably still a few more things we could go over tonight. You could stay."

"I really don't think I should."

There's a pause, tense, and awkward if she's being honest. Were they talking about the same thing? Was she misunderstanding? Was that too harsh. But Louis finally laughs. It’s not genuine, it’s a breathy, abashed sort of sound and he rubs the back of his head with a jittery hand. "I wouldn't, you know, ahem, try anything," he sputters, "You could just, stay. The night. After you check on AJ maybe."

Clementine stares, at a complete loss for how to respond. Her heart has stopped, the butterflies in her stomach are battering their way all the way up into her throat. Her hands feel clammy and her knees a little wobbly. Louis seems just as flustered, looking for all the world a little ashamed, if that was possible for him, and he clears his throat again. But he doesn't try to backpedal, doesn't take it back, just waits.

"Have you forgiven me?" Clementine asks.

Louis blinks, several emotions flickering across his face. Surprised, thoughtful, flustered, sad, and then resigned. He meets her eyes candidly, a somber smile pairing with it and it hurts her chest to see it. "No, I don't think I have," he says softly.

"Then I shouldn't stay."

He searches her expression, sees she's serious. She's adamant, but not unkind. She's not willing to risk the tentative ground they have. It was only a few days ago they'd been turned away and AJ had been almost killed because of it. He's sorry. And she's sorry for what happened to Marlon. But if they take too big of a step, a leap they can't turn back from before these wounds have fully healed, Clementine doesn't think any of this would last. And she can see in his face that he knows it, too.

"You're right," he says, "I'll see you tomorrow, Clementine."

Clementine smiles at him, a genuine and bright smile that she hopes translates well enough; that she hasn't lost interest. In becoming his friend. In becoming... Clementine isn't sure yet. She starts heading for the door. She grabs the handle and the door, and it just starts to creak open when- "Hey, Clem?"

"Yeah?"

"N-... Nothing. Goodnight."

She turns, but he already has his back to her and is heading over to the bed against the wall. He deliberately dodges her gaze and she doesn't feel like she should press it. She forgets sometimes, but things aren't all right between them, not fully yet anyway. They're just working together out of necessity. If it hadn't been for Lilly and the Delta then she and AJ would have been long gone from this place already. Louis had seen to it personally once. She knows what it means to push him. And she knows when someone needs time. Even if all they want to push past it all, time is what is really needed. 

"Night," and she shuts the door.

As Clementine walks through the halls, the moon shining bright enough tonight to light her way without a candle, she presses her thumb over the stump on her hand. The past few days have been a bit much. A little too many tears, a little too many memories, and absolutely too much blushing. But for now, relishing the feeling of having so much lifted from her shoulders, off of her conscience, she can rest easy. They're all on the brink of ruin with a hostile group coming to take them all away, and Clementine feels like she can fully relax.

She's certain that tonight when she sleeps, she will wake up to no pain. The memories are still there, the faces will always haunt her past, but it’s time for her to keep moving forward.


	3. Finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clementine and Louis work through their crap.

"Clementine. Clem, we have to go," someone was shaking her awake, voice urgent despite the gentle way the hand squeezed her shoulder. 

Clementine opened her eyes, blinking the bleariness from her eyes before they came to focus on, "Luke. I only just fell asleep."

"I know, Clem, but it’s almost sunrise, and we need to make it out of here as quietly as possibly."

Clementine's eyes darted around the room. Crumpled, stained postcards, small glass figurines covered in moss and algae, A broken, tattered deck- The gift shop. Awareness spiked through Clementine like a slap to the face and she turned towards where Rebecca was lying, eyes closed and obviously pale, even from across the room, her chest heaving with wracking breaths. In her arms sat AJ, feet barely kicking against the inside of his swath of blanket, small gurgling sounds periodically coupled with Rebecca's breathing gave the effect of filling the otherwise silent, grim space with a palpable tension. 

Clementine's eyes met Luke's and he gave her a weak smile that didn't do much to comfort her. "Will Rebecca be able to walk?" Clementine asked.

"She'll have to. We gave her the night, and we can't wait any longer. I'll be counting on you to stay with her and the baby, okay?"

Clementine filled her lungs with the chill air, letting the feeling of frost coat her lungs and the sting wake her fully. She exhaled in an exhausted sigh before she nodded, giving Luke her most determined stare; she hoped. "Okay."

Luke paused for a moment, seeming to take in her face, the resolute set to her shoulders as she sat up before he breathed a chuckle that sounded lighter than anything she'd heard from him in days, "Knew I could count on you. Smaller than anyone else here and twice as strong."

She blinked, resisting the urge to cock her head in question as Luke stood without waiting for a reply and went to shake another form wrapped entirely in a thin sheet printed with a Virginia state flag. 

Clementine stretched her arms above her head, listening to the symphony of cracks and pops that traveled up her spine. She stood on shaky, aching legs and walked carefully towards Rebecca who cracked her eyes open at her approach.

"Hey, Clem."

"Hey, Becca. How are you feeling?"

She exhaled harshly in what Clementine thinks was supposed to be a chuckle, "Been better, but better than yesterday, that's for sure." Her eyes dropped closed again like they were weighted, her breathing growing more ragged like those handful of words sapped her strength. 

Clementine frowned and clenched her hands together tight to try and keep the nervous fluttering in her chest from forcing her hands to flutter around Rebecca in worry. She felt her nails bite into the back of each hand, letting the slight sting stabilize her. AJ's face peaked out from the wrapping, face pinched and fretting slightly though thankfully he had yet to start crying. Maybe if he kept that up they could sneak out of here without drawing too much attention. 

"Time to go," a voice quietly announced behind her. Kenny shimmied along the edge of the broken deck back into the shop, "I got the gate at the bottom of the stairs open. We have to go while the coast is still clear." He walked purposefully towards Clementine and Rebecca, "Let's go ladies, no time to lose."

"Kenny, she needs a min-"

"No," said Rebecca, "I've got this. Just- help me up."

With one hand holding onto AJ and the other using Kenny to help brace her Rebecca slowly made her way to her feet. 

"You want me to take the little guy?" Kenny asked, already reaching.

"No," she said firmly, "I've got him."

"Clem!"

Clementine turned and saw Luke standing by the open gate, the others already making their way out, hurriedly stuffing blankets and packaged food into their packs. Clementine walked back to her bag and slung it over her shoulder before heading towards the stairs. Before she could take a step through the gate Luke's hand against her shoulder jolted her to a stop.

"Just," he chewed his lip, eyebrows pinched and gaze watery despite the chill in the air, "Don't look down okay? Not until you reach the stairs."

Clementine froze, eyes blinking slowly up at look while he looked down at her with a pleading gaze. Clementine swallowed, her throat suddenly tight and she felt the way her neck bobbed, and her breath came out shaking. "I won't look," she said flatly.

Luke walked past her to help Kenny support Rebecca while Clementine forced her feet to move closer to the edge. Her limbs felt numb though in her puffed pink jacket she knew it wasn't entirely from the cold. The wood beneath her feet felt too soft, the air around her seeming to grow foggy and her chest tightening like a rubber band was constricting around her lungs. 

She tilted her chin up as she made to carefully step across the jagged floor towards the stairs.  _Don't look down, Don't look down, Don't look down_. Clementine gazed hard at the ceiling, the edge of the stairs coming closer in her periphery. Just a few more steps.

Her foot twisted, and she just barely registered the sensation of a stray piece of wood protruding up through the ground bashing against her ankle. She'd tripped. She threw her arms out, trying to catch herself, but all she succeeded in doing was throwing off her center of balance to the side. Her arms stretched out to catch her fall, eyes closing tight against the inevitable impact. 

Arms were suddenly around her, holding tight as her feet made a mad scramble for purchase her hands gripped tightly to the forearms around her waist. "I've gotcha," she heard Luke say.

Clementine's eyes shot open wide. Her breath left her in a gush, legs beneath her no longer able to support her weight as they violently trembled. She faced the edge of the deck, her gaze unintentionally taking in the field surrounding the gift shop. Jagged pieces of wood and metal littered the ground in a jumbled mess and snow gently floated down from the clouded sky like it could lighten the carnage below. 

Clementine choked back a scream and leaped backward smashing into Luke's chest who nearly lost his own balance. The image of walkers hunched over the remains of the deck; faces buried in the torso of a girl she once called her friend while dried, dead eyes stared up sightless would be forever burned into her head. 

"I told you not to look down," Luke admonished her, voice cracked and rough, a hand firmly placing itself over her eyes as he quietly led her down the stairs.

* * *

 

Clementine gave AJ's hand a firm squeeze as they walked out into the courtyard. The sun, warm and momentarily blinding, felt nice after the dim atmosphere of the school. AJ yawned and rubbed at his eyes.

"You all right, kiddo? You sleep okay?"

AJ threw a hand over his mouth to try, unsuccessfully, to stop another yawn. "I never sleep okay when I have bed dreams," he muttered.

"Good point." 

Clementine looked around the courtyard, the area was quiet, a little too tense for the amount of bodies in it. Everyone had their heads down, seeming to work on their own projects. With the fortifications to the school more or less finished, it was down to waiting. And the waiting was what was taking a toll on them. Everyone desperately was looking for distractions, whether it was fixing weapons, working on the building, burying themselves in a hobby, or letting tensions momentarily bubble over in aggressive snarks and comments to each other everyone was venting their tension in their own way. Thankfully no one was taking the heightened nerves of the others to heart. For the most part.

Violet and Louis seemed to be locked in a quiet argument, again. Mitch was muttering to himself, curses being the only thing loud enough to catch across the courtyard, and everyone else seemed to be eerily silent. 

"I'm going to see what Tenn's doing," AJ called over his shoulder, already running across the grass. Clementine lifted an eyebrow at his abrupt departure but didn't stop him. She rolled her shoulders to try to shake some of the remaining tension from a near-sleepless night of worrying and nightmares, but it did little to dissipate the churning in her gut. Every day they spent without sight of the raiders was another day they all seemed to grow more sleep-deprived and touchy. Not much could be done about that. Rest is what they needed, and that seemed to be the hardest thing to come by nowadays. 

"Get  _over_  yourself!" she heard Violet suddenly raise her voice. She turned in time to see Louis storming away from her. He didn't seem particularly agitated, like Violet, but his shoulders were slumped, and he walked with his eyes averted, clearly signaling he was finished with whatever they were arguing about. With a shake of his head he stalked past Clementine without so much as a greeting to pick up a bow, Marlon's bow she realized, and start shooting towards a target that had been set up to the side by the dorms. She'd seen that target standing for days, but this was the first time she'd seen it in use, and Louis seemed visibly uncomfortable with handling the bow despite his concentrated effort to hit the mark. 

Clementine turned at the sound of footsteps as Violet made her way over. "I thought Lily and Abel would be here by now. I don't know what's taking so long," she said.

"Well, if they're trying to get us jumpy and off our game, they're doing a pretty good job at it. Everyone's on edge. I haven't seen anyone go to their rooms for more than a few hours in days and Omar almost gave up cooking last night since no one seems to be eating much anyway." Violet ran a tired hand down her face, scrubbing the exhaustion from her eyes and heaving a sigh, "We need to pull everyone back together, but... I'm not really sure... how to do that."

Clementine gave her a small, encouraging smile, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"You could talk to Louis, for one. I'm almost to the point of breaking my head against a wall from having to deal with him," she paused, her eyes running up Clementine's frame, her gaze thoughtful, shoulders dropping and eyes losing their angry flare and mellowing into something the Clementine wasn't sure how to read. "He listens to you," she said, softer, "like he listened to Marlon."

"Huh?" Clementine's mouth dropped open in surprise, a confused little sound bursting from her lips before she could stop it. She stared dumbly at Violet, thoughts clouding while a warm buzzing seemed to fill her chest. 

Violet just rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Just see who might need some help. You're good at that, Clem." She walked away back towards the main building, not giving Clementine a chance to respond. Clementine gulped and mentally shook herself back into focus. She felt her cheeks heat up and turned away in case Violet chose to throw a glance behind to catch her reaction. 

She turned and watched from across the yard as Louis was carefully nocking arrows and trying to land them on the target. Not one had hit its mark yet. She could see how he grew increasingly stiffer with each arrow he went to retrieve and how his head was turned down, glaring at the target as though he could just shoot the arrows from his eyes if he stared hard enough. On his last try the arrow missed the area around the target completely and flew right over the barrier wall. Louis's mouth dropped open in disbelief before using both hands to furiously strangle the handle of the bow before dropping down onto the cushions of the overturned couch, leaning forward on his knees.

She frowned to herself as she slowly made her way over. Louis turned his head to the ground at the sound of her feet crunching against the dry grass, "I'm not in the mood, Vi."

"Sorry, just thought I'd see how you were doing," Clementine said.

Louis's head snapped up and he stared openly at Clementine before he seemed to process that it wasn't Violet coming to start another row with him. His shoulders lost their tension and he threw the bow to the ground to link his hands tightly together instead, glaring back towards the ground between his boots.

Clementine shifted her weight from foot to foot, the sound of AJ and Willy joking around in the guard tower the only sound keeping them from complete and awkward silence. Clementine crossed her arms, trying to pretend she could pull into herself, create a shield as she apparently had intruded on a moment where she wasn't welcome. 

"Sorry," she nearly whispered, but she knew that in the quiet that he could hear her, "I'll leave you alone."

She turned on her heel, making no more than two steps before she was stopped, "Don't. It’s okay."

She turned around cautiously, like she could make him change his mind if she moved too quickly. Too eagerly. 

"Louis was still staring at the ground, but he didn't seem to be as frustrated as before, his face more relaxed, more somber. 

Clementine walked slowly over and sat next to him on the old, ratty couch. He hardly moved as she wound her arms around her knees beside him, looking towards the same patch of grass that had hold of his gaze. They sat quietly, the silence now feeling more companionable with his permission to stay. The solemnity in the way he hunched forward and twisted his fingers together twisted something in her chest. 

Finally, he exhaled, and the unsteady breath looked as though it helped him take his next breath in easier. He tilted his head so though he wasn't looking at her it opened him up slightly more towards her. A bitter smile played across his lips.

"You know," he said, "we've lived in this place long enough, on our own, that the world before just doesn't feel like it was real anymore. Like it was all a dream, and none of it mattered. The clearest memory I have of before the world went to shit is of waking up in the middle of the night with walkers banging on the gates and the teachers pulling us out of bed. 

"We've been here taking care of our own for so long... And during all these years, I sat around making jokes, playing stupid games, while my best friend was left with all the responsibility. All the tough calls, all the sleepless nights, and eventually, a bullet in the head. And I didn't do a damn thing about it."

He shook his head and a wet sound that sounded like a cross between a bitter laugh and a sob burst from his throat. He swallowed and took a deep, steadying breath before finally raising his head to meet Clementine. There were no tears, but his eyes were glassy.

"And then you came along," he said, and his voice trembled making it hard to tell if it was anger or tears that caused it, "You tried to tell us what it was like, what he was really like... And when AJ shot him, I blamed you."

Clementine's hands clamped down on her arms so hard she felt her forearms begin to grow numb. Louis looked at her, sadness and tumultuous confusion in his eyes, baring himself to her, but Clementine couldn't help but feel like she was the one left exposed. Like he was trying to strip her of her defenses and see the truth. The truth that... And Clementine knew then, that despite all of her excuses, all of the lessons, all of the things she had to do to keep alive, she didn't know if she could consider herself a good person anymore.

And all of her doubts were being weighed here, by him. If he ultimately decided he was right to blame her, what excuse did she have left to fall back on? She looked him in the eyes, felt her own grow hot and her vision morphed like she was looking through frosted glass; not daring to blink, or breath, or move. Feeling like she was drowning as she both hung on his every word and wished desperately that he would just stop talking. This person who only scratched the surface of all the mistakes she had made and all of the horrible things she had to live through was the only person she realized she trusted to see her and tell her whether or not she still had anything admirable and worth trusting inside her.

"You don't get it," he said quietly, "I've never done a damn thing that mattered. And I judged you. Unfairly. Like I knew what the right thing to do would have been when Marlon pointed that gun at your head."

Clementine audibly swallowed and blinked the moisture from her eyes, "You believed me. You stood in front of me, talked him down. You saved me when no one else moved."

Louis shook his head and dropped his eyes back to the ground. His knee lightly bounced with an overflow of nervous energy as he chewed his lip trying to find words.

"I've only ever made the wrong decisions, Clem. I never took our survival here as seriously as I should. Never really stepped up. Almost sent you and AJ to your deaths because I didn't understand what survival meant; and that it allows for mistakes to happen sometimes. How you need to trust your gut and instincts because you only need to be wrong one time..." Louis buried his face in one hand and scrubbed tiredly at it before turning desperate eyes on her. Clementine felt her shoulders tremble, too fearful of what he was really seeing when he looked at her.

"I said I hadn't forgiven you yet," he stated, "and there's a part of me that feels like I shouldn't, because... I don't know if Marlon deserved what happened to him, but I would have stopped AJ if I could have. He was my best friend. But I just wanted to keep feeling safe here. Wanted to pretend that Marlon was better than he was. That survival didn't mean the same thing here because there was us or them, us or raiders, us or walkers, and that the world out there couldn't touch us here.

"This time I think I need to take the lesson and listen to what my gut tells me, and not feel guilty about it. Because I don't hate you, Clem. I really don't. And I still can't think about Marlon without being sad or angry, but it’s not at you. And it’s not at AJ. It’s just the world finally breaking in here, even if it saves our asses," and he gestured pointedly toward Clementine in a small attempt at levity before reaching forward and lightly pulling one of her hands from its vice grip on her arms. He loosely held it in his own and ran his thumb over the back of her knuckles before turning back to her, eyes more serious than she had ever seen them. "I forgive you," he said, "and I'm sorry."

And Clementine felt lighter than she could ever remember. A security and contentment washing over her that in her memories she had only ever associated with Lee, "I forgive you."

* * *

 

"Gather around, guys, it’s time for the official game of Ericson's Boarding School for Troubled Youth. The game that so beautifully captures the spirit of our daring, disturbed, and derisive natures. Truth or Dare!" Louis announced with showmanship.

Everyone gathered around the couches with amused grins, doing a terrible job of hiding their excitement after the unfortunate displeasure of Willy and Aasim's fight in the courtyard. If everyone needed a distraction, then this was the perfect one. Everyone settled into their seats, AJ laughing a little more loudly than what would be considered appropriate at Aasim's crush on Ruby, who clearly preferred to duck out of truth or dare making Clementine wonder just how far these games usually went. 

"You don't play truth or dare with cards," Violet said dryly as Louis made a show of shuffling the deck. 

"You do in this version!" continued Louis, "Everyone draws a card. Highest gets to ask, and lowest has to answer. 

Louis drew his first card with a flourish before passing the deck to Clementine. She drew her own card from the middle of the deck before passing it on, apprehensively fiddling with the corner before turning it. A three. Well, at least no one goes below the belt on the first question.

"This should be good," Violet announced, having looked over Clementine's shoulder before turning an interested smirk in her direction. "Let's see," and Clementine could tell from her tone of voice that she was enjoying this, "Truth. Marry, fuck, kill."

"Swear!" AJ pointed accusingly at Violet.

"Vi," Tenn chided.

"Ugh, all right. Marry,  _flip_ , kill."

Clementine suddenly felt an anxious flutter in her chest, and she couldn't help the anxious darting of her eyes that she had to fight to keep from flitting in Louis's direction. She bit her lip as Violet's smirk widened. "Ruby, Aasim, or James, that guy who saved you," Violet listed.

"Uhhh," Clementine exhaled shakily in relief, "Oh my god." She groaned as her relief faded and the question had a chance to sink in and an embarrassed flush rose up her neck. 

"You have to answer, it’s the rules!" Louis said, and his grin was positively shit-eating. He was enjoying this way too much and Clementine took a solid five seconds to glare at him which only caused his face to brighten even more in sheer enjoyment. Aasim looked positively green and dreading Clementine's answer.

"Let's see. I would marry... Ruby."

"Oh! Watch out Aasim," snorted Louis, "Clem's going to move in on your lady if you don't make a move!"

"Shut up!" Aasim muttered.

"I could see it," teased Vi, "she is very nurturing when she wants to be."

"I would, um,  _flip_..." and Clementine paused to give the next answer a bit more thought. 

The circle began to chant flip, flip, flip under their breath, only breaking off into laughter when AJ joined in the crowd mentality while clearly having no idea what the flip was supposed to stand for.

"James," Clementine said.

"Didn't you say he wore a skin mask?" Louis said, giving her a dubious look.

"Well, yeah, but I saw his face under it when he saved me."

Violet laughed outright before leaning over and conspiratorially stage-whispering to Clementine, "And he was hot enough to flip?"

Clementine felt the heat rising in her cheeks, "I mean, yeah. He was. I guess."

Violet smirked, "He up to your standards, Clem? He cuter than the last guy you flipped?"

Clementine huffed in mortified indignation, "That's not part of the question."

"All right, all right," Violet conceded, though her smile stayed plastered to her face not leaving Clementine to feel like she had much of a victory.

"Which leaves poor Aasim in the kill category," said Louis, "Sorry buddy."

"Oh, thank god," Aasim breathed, "Nothing against you, Clem!"

"No offense taken."

The deck was again passed around as each person drew a new card. There was more laughter in the courtyard than had been heard in weeks. The loudest of which was when Aasim was dared to ask Ruby for a kiss, and Clementine had to admit that even though her cheeks hurt from laughing that she did feel a little sympathy for him. 

"I got a four," Louis held up his card in disappointment. 

"I got a king!" AJ belted, his face lighting up in excitement. Clementine couldn't help but laugh.

Louis dramatically sighed but made it clear with the smile he shot AJ's way that it was only teasing, "Lay it on me, AJ. I pick truth."

AJ hummed loud and long to himself, his expression pinched and face turned to the sky as he pondered all of the possible questions he could ask. "Okay!" he said, "What color is your underwear?" he asked before he was overtaken in a fit of laughter at the hilarity of his own question.

"Sorry to disappoint, little dude, but I'm not wearing any," Louis said, crossing his arms and leaning back with a smug smirk.

"Bullshit," said Violet.

"It’s true," he answered, "full commando."

"That's gross, Louis," Aasim said, making a face.

"Hm, I'm still calling bullshit," said Vi, "If you're trying to impress, that's really the wrong method you're using, dork."

"What does that mean?" he said, eyebrows pinching in suspicion, but Violet just gestured for the cards to be passed around again. 

A two. Damn.

There was the sound of a throat being cleared before Clementine lifted her head to Louis, who was holding up a seven triumphantly, "I got it."

Double Damn.

"We've been pretty hard on poor Aasim here, teasing him about sweet Ruby," Louis said like he was introducing the headliner, "Seems only fair we mercilessly tease someone else about unrequited love."

Fuck.

"So, Clem," he said, "Anyone here you like like?"

Everyone turned ravenously curious faces towards Clementine, almost seeming to lean in closer like that would draw the answer out more quickly. 

"Well... Yeah, I mean. There's someone I... like. Like like, I mean." Clementine felt as though her face was melting in a raging inferno and her only hope of surviving this horrible moment was being burnt completely up. Like, just kill her now.

"Ohhhhhh," AJ taunted and Clementine frowned at him. Normally all she had to do was eye him disapprovingly and he would act contrite. This time he looked about as smug as Violet did. And when she turned to Louis, he... didn't look smug. He was looking down at the ground, lips turned into a frown and eyes far away, giving his full focus on something they couldn't see before his expression smoothed out and turned into a smile like that serious look had never been there and he was laughing along with everyone else.

"So who is it?" Tenn burst out like the question couldn't be held back.

"That wasn't the question," Clementine said quickly. 

"I bet we could try to narrow it down," Aasim said, sounding the least like he'd die from curiosity, but Clementine still did not appreciate furthering this line of thought.

"All right, next question," Clementine hurried the game along before this round had a chance to devolve any further.

The game was played into the night. Laughter slowly mellowed again, the serious atmosphere starting to drift back like a dark rain cloud over their heads. There were times when they all settled into conversation together with an air of camaraderie that was comforting despite the sobering topics of walkers, afterlife, and those they knew before. 

Eventually the moon was high in the sky and Ruby showed up to announce she was switching shifts as lookout and everyone quietly split up to return to another sleepless night, but hopefully what little sleep they did find wouldn't be filled with nightmares.

"I'm headed to the bell tower, I want to check out our defenses on the back wall before bed," said Violet. 

"Do you need help?" said Clementine.

"Sure, if you want."

"You could always help me, instead," said Louis, "I'm on piano duty. Gonna practice the Imperial March for when the time comes."

Violet rolled her eyes as Louis began walking towards the school. Clementine watched him go, a longing that she still wasn't accustomed to lodging in her gut that grew stronger with every step he took. But the defenses were more important, right? Clementine turned to Violet, who only looked to Clementine expectantly. "I think I'll go on my own, if that's all right," Violet said, "No point in both of us going, it won't take long."

"Are you sure?" Clementine asked, glancing again at Louis's retreating form.

When she turned back she saw Violet had followed her gaze to Louis's back. She looked back to Clementine, an unreadable expression on her face. 

"I'm sure," Violet said, and her voice held enough gravity that Clementine's heart skipped a beat in her chest. Clementine silently watched as Violet turned and walked away into the dark. She watched after her, heart full and heavy, knowing that someday soon once all of this was over, she should talk with Violet. But for now, she should leave it alone. 

With the heat of the fire at her back Clementine turned to follow Louis into the school.

* * *

 

Music was already filling the dark hallway as Clementine made her way towards the music room. The door was left cracked and as Clementine entered Louis glanced up from the piano, not seeming the least bit surprised as she closed the door behind her.

She walked up to the piano, "It’s nice, haven't heard music in a while."

He chuckled, "Many would say you're not hearing it now."

He played a few more chords before letting the notes drift off. He stared at the keys, the same sad expression on his face that she had seen earlier that day as they sat on the couch in the courtyard before he took a quick breath and plastered a smile on his face.

"So," he said, slapping his hands against his knees, "how do you feel about our imminent deaths?"

Clementine smiled softly before rolling her eyes, "We're not going to die. I've been in worse odds with worse people, and I'm feeling pretty good about our chances here. So. No one is going to die."

Louis's face faltered, his smile replaced with open-mouthed shock, "You sound so sure."

"I am."

Louis hummed under his breath before turning to face her fully, "I guess if there's anyone I'd believe about our chances it would be you."

Clementine gave what she hoped was an encouraging smile, "So what's this project you needed me for?"

Louis's face lit up with the distraction, "Well, it’s simple really." He stood up and walked around the piano, "I need your help tuning the piano, you play the notes, and I'll do the tuning."

"Um, okay?" Clementine said, "You know I don't know how to play piano right?"

"You don't need to, you'll get it, don't worry."

Clementine threw him a skeptical glance but sat on the bench and waited for direction. 

"Now play the A key."

"Uh, I don't know which one that is," Clementine said.

"It’s right next to the B key, after the G key. C'mon, just play it."

Clementine's fingers fluttered over the keys, at a loss. Louis seemed to be working on something in the inner workings of the piano, so Clementine picked a key at random and pressed it. The note sang in the air, coloring the room. As the note faded Louis said, "Good! That helped! Now the F key."

Once again Clementine hit a key and Louis nodded to her with a grin, "Good. Almost done. Now play a C major chord."

"What?" Clementine's eyes widened comically, or they must have because a laugh slipped through from Louis before he could stop himself. 

"C'mon, we're almost there. C major!"

Clementine spread her fingers and brought them down on the keys. A sound not too far off from an alley cat harmonizing with a blender filled the room and Clementine winced. Louis, however, made a show of lifting his head with his ear cocked, a pleasant smile on his face before he fell into a fit of giggles, "And it’s done. Good job. You're a real virtuoso." 

Clementine tried her best to look stern as she looked up at him before the laughter seemed to spread and had to cover her mouth to keep the giggles back. "You didn't need it tuned at all, did you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," he slapped a hand to his chest, pretending to look affronted, "I asked for your valuable help because of your clear gift for music."

"Louis-"

"Ah bub bub!" he shushed her, "Behold the fruits of your labor."

He sat next to her on the bench and with practiced ease set his fingers into position over the keys and began to play a flowing, beautiful melody, the notes filling the room and Clementine couldn't help the smile that spread on her face at just the sound of it. They sat quietly as he played through the chords, not an ounce of hesitation in his movement.

As the song came to an end Clementine couldn't help the appreciative smile on her face, "I'm impressed. That was beautiful. What's it called?"

He stared at the keys, "I'm not sure yet."

"You mean you wrote that?"

Louis nodded, "That was the first time I've played it."

Clementine felt the warm buzzing that was becoming so familiar around Louis starting to fill her chest again. Before she could think better of it, she scooted closer, thighs close enough together that she could feel his body heat and their knees knocking together. In return Louis leaned over to bump his shoulder lightly into Clementine's.

"Clem?" She turned to look at him, but he still had his gaze turned down towards the keys, studying them as if they were speaking to him. He sighed before looking to her, "I wanted to thank you. For being patient with me. Even after all I did, and all of the crap I had to work through."

"It’s okay. I get it. You don't have to apologize."

"So, we're good?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. Cool cool cool. coolcoolcoolcool. All right, sooo..." and he trailed off with a shaky laugh, "I thought that would make this next part a bit easier, but ho boy, it does not." His fingers tapped anxiously against the piano for a few seconds before he seemed to gather himself, taking a deep breath and turning back towards Clementine. "So, I know that maybe we had kind of a rocky start, and I thought maybe now wasn't a good time. But we have raiders that are going to show up any day now and even though I believe you, and I'm being optimistic, I know that sometimes you don't get second chances. And I didn't want to put pressure on you, or assume anything, but when you said that you like liked someone today then I thought maybe that was a good indicator that maybe I should be asking because I didn't know if-" and he had to break off to take his first full breath since he started, and Clementine wondered if she was imagining his face turning a little blue.

"Louis, just breathe for a second," she said slowly, trying to encourage him to pause for a moment.

He exhaled a small laugh, before throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling with a groan. "Oh, I am a hot mess," he said, self-deprecatingly. 

Clementine laughed, "Well, you're one of those things."

Louis's mouth dropped open and he stared at her in disbelief before a small smirk played its way back onto his face, a little bit of his bravado returning, "Which one?"

"Let's start over," Clementine said. Louis opened his mouth to speak, but Clementine clapped a hand over his mouth, chuckling as his eyes grew twice their size in surprise. "How about I start?" He seemed to consider before he slowly nodded, and she dropped her hand.

"Earlier during the game, I said I like liked someone. And I didn't want to fully answer partly because I've never admitted to liking someone before and partly because I know things were really confusing for a while. For everyone. But mostly between us." Clementine swallowed and took a deep breath, "But I... like you. I like like you. A lot."

She peeked up at him through her lashes. Louis openly gawked at her, mouth ajar and eyes blinking slowly. "Nothing?" she asked, heart pounding in her chest, an uneasiness creeping up her spine, "No jokes?"

Louis came back to himself with a startled laugh that sounded like he was choking before looking to her again. "You know I kind of figured, I mean I was hoping, that it was me you meant. And it just kind of hit me. Holy shit. Its me." A happy smile lit his face that was absolutely contagious as she felt a matching one on her own. 

She rolled her eyes, "All right, all right." She turned her face away as she felt a blush light up her cheeks. Which damn, that seemed to be happening a lot lately. Her complexion was going to turn apple red permanently if this kept up. 

Something warm and smooth touched her cheek and slowly turned her face back, it didn't register that it was his hand until she was facing him again. That smile was still on his face and his eyes traced her own like he was trying to etch it into his memory. It suddenly hit her how incredibly intimate this was. As much as they had been dancing around each other the past few weeks, and as much time as they'd spent together, touching was completely new. And this kind of touching, so close, she couldn't help the light gasp that finally drew his eyes back to hers.

Time seemed to slow, flowing around them like molasses, making them freeze with it. The air felt warm and heavy, her cheek where Louis touched her felt like it was burning with the contact, and she watched as his eyes grew lidded and quickly darted down to her lips. She unconsciously felt the need to fidget under his gaze which manifested in pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. She saw how his eyes clouded over at the sight and his hand slowly adjusted to cradle the back of her neck.

Clementine felt him reach for her other hand in her lap, linking their fingers together and his eyes darted back up to meet hers, watching for any sign of hesitation as he slowly leaned forward and kissed her.

It was soft at first, barely any pressure as he tested the waters. One kiss, two. Then he was using the light grip on the back of her neck to ease her forward to come together more fully, eyes closing and mouths opening as they met each other. They both sighed, with excitement or relief it was hard to say.

Clementine had never kissed anyone before, had always imagined it to be wet and weird. But this felt nicer than she expected. Their lips slotted together perfectly, breaking apart and coming back together, slowly building a rhythm. All feeling faded away and the world around them with it and everything seemed to center in on the contact between her lips and his.

The kiss gradually slowed, and they eased apart. Their temples pressed together, and they breathed the same air, their joined hands tightening to a near bruising grip in an attempt to channel the same intimacy to the touch.  "I like like you, too," he whispered, and it made her laugh softly. 

They eased apart and Clementine eased her head down onto his shoulder, squeezing his hand and he gave hers an answering squeeze. Her pressed his lips to her temple and rubbed his thumb over the back of her knuckles. "I know what to name the song now," he murmured. 

"Hm? What?" she asked.

"Clementine!" a voice, Ruby, shouted down the hallway. 

"Oops, I forgot to tell you," Louis said dramatically, "Ruby can read minds, she's always finishing my lines for me. Hm, which technically means if she was in my head while I was kissing you then  _technically_  Ruby was also-"

Clementine playfully pushed at his shoulder to cut him off as Ruby called her name again. 

"It’s already done, Clem, you might have to marry Ruby after all just to hang onto your virtue," Louis joked before throwing his hands up in defeat. 

"I should get going, it’s my turn on lookout duty," Clementine said. 

Louis nodded, grabbing onto her hand again to give it one final squeeze before they stood to make their way out of the music room. Clementine's heart soared, like it was flying in the clouds. In that moment Clementine felt more confident in the school's chances and in hers and AJ's future than she had since their car fortunately crashed at the train station. Soaring this high, there was no way they could fall so low again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked please kudos! Or leave a comment! Thank you for reading!


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